Title: In Your Hands
Word Count: ~ 2,200
Summary: Post 3x17. Following the scene in Emma’s office. Lots of talking, feelings and plenty of not wanting to let go emotionally and physically… *sigh*
Because I wanted to get back into the swing of writing and, let’s be honest, I’m physically incapable from holding back on writing SOMETHING following this episode. The title is taken from the song of the same name off the wonderful new album by Jason Mraz. The lyrics are pretty fitting for ONE side of this whole thing and it’s here if you want to take a listen.
OR READ ON LIVEJOURNAL
It’s difficult to come down and actually breathe when they leave Miss Pillsbury’s office but it’s ok because the somewhat stale air of the empty corridor seems to be what they both need as they walk hand in hand towards the choir room. Their footsteps echo in the obvious silence but Blaine can feel the warmth of Kurt’s fingers tangled with his own and suddenly his brain’s a tornado of words tumbling over one another, a month’s worth of feelings kept buried under fear, panic and pre-emptive self preservation.
“I promise I won’t close up again,” Blaine says because it’s the thing he wants Kurt to understand the most. There’s still the worry that it’ll happen again. New York is a world away from Lima and there’s still time and opportunity to mess it all up again and stop talking. They can’t, though. They just can’t.
Kurt stops and turns to him, hand squeezing as he ducks to meet Blaine’s eyes. They’re wet but there hasn’t been time to think never mind stop to find a tissue. “I didn’t know, Blaine. I didn’t know how you felt. You can’t keep these things to yourself. We’ve never done that and I get why it happened but we can’t stop talking to one another.”
“We won’t,” Blaine whispers, hands climbing up Kurt’s arm like a step ladder. “But you need to talk to me too. If you’re unhappy or… unfulfilled then you need to tell me. I don’t ever want this to happen again because it just goes to show how quick things can spiral out of control and –“
Kurt’s laugh cuts him off; it’s both fond and sarcastic in equal measure. “Blaine, we’re practically a married couple. ‘Out of control’ doesn’t really factor into our relationship.”
“Do you want it to?” Blaine asks quietly. It’s a possibility that this Chandler guy made that possible: the excitement, thrill and chase of it all.
“I happen to like our scheduled evenings spending time together doing what we both love, Blaine, so no. I don’t want us to change but –“
“But there was something wasn’t there? There was something missing.”
Kurt’s face falls, hands dropping to his sides. “You,” he says softly, lips pursing as they always do in a way that causes Blaine’s stomach to twist and ache. The expression is so quintessentially Kurt that it’s one of the many, many things he knows he’ll long for when they’re apart. “You were missing. I know why now and I know I should have said something and I’m sorry I didn’t but there was nothing about our relationship before this that I would dare change.”
Kurt’s lips quirk, the colour peeking through the pale skin at his cheeks. “Well, unless I could magically change your age or my Dad’s ability to hear a floor board creak then, no.”
“I suppose we’ll avoid the need for scheduling when I come to visit you in New York.” It’s one of the first times he’s allowed himself to say it, to believe that things will work and what they have in Lima can be transferred to their new lives. Blaine holds his breath, heart hammering as he watches Kurt smirk, warm and gradual.
“We can throw caution to the wind,” Kurt laughs tentatively, eyes wide and unsure but sparkling as they often do when his mind races. “It can be a new chapter of Kurt and Blaine. Maybe we’ll go crazy and drink Port with our cheese plates. Maybe we’ll go all Holly and Fred and steal animal masks just because or maybe we’ll frequent a swishy cocktail bar in sharp suits and try every drink on the menu. Actually no,” he muses, biting playfully at his lip, “because Blaine Anderson, alcohol and the city of New York is a terrifying combination.”
Smacking lightly at Kurt’s arm, Blaine allows the warmth to settle deep inside at the sight of crinkles at Kurt’s eyes when he smiles, the ones that have been missing for the past month. “We could perform at the top of the Statue of Liberty or recreate Singin’ in the Rain and swing from lampposts.”
“And be arrested,” Kurt giggles, tugging them both into the empty choir room. They both perch on the piano bench, Kurt straddling it and focusing his ever-bright eyes on Blaine. The intent in them is overwhelming and within seconds their hands are clutched tight between them once again. After a brief silence, Kurt huffs a laugh under his breath. “As fantastically character building as it would be, I don’t think I’d last a second in a jail cell so maybe we should just take it slow?”
“I like that idea.”
As Kurt’s fingertips trace invisible patterns over the back of Blaine’s hands, it’s impossible to suppress a shiver. Kurt notices, grinning down into the space between them, pleased and private just the way it always has been.
“I’m happy we’re talking again. I hated feeling like we weren’t connecting properly. I know it’s going to take a while to get back to normal but I’m… I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to and it really wasn’t anything serious with, um, well, you know? I just felt –“
“Neglected. I know,” Blaine croaks out in a voice suddenly a lot smaller than before, “I get it and I’m sorry. I didn’t want to rain on your parade or take away your excitement about New York and I tried to deal with it all but I just kept imagining everything that I’m going to miss and never be a part of because you’re going to have this amazing new life and I’ll be here. I’m getting left behind-“
“No, don’t. I am.” He frowns, shaking his head and looking down to gather his thoughts. When he can breathe again, Kurt’s face is pained, still and strained with worry. “It can’t be disputed because I am being left behind. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way it is and I have to accept that but it’s going to be so hard for me to adjust –“
“God,” Kurt barks, pulling back his hands and covering his face with a frantic burst of laughter, “you’re both impossible.”
“Both? What do you mean?”
Kurt takes a breath, straightening out his features with a bewildered shake of his head. Blaine watches the tiny tendrils of hair at his ear tickle the pale skin there and everything just hurts.
“My dad. He’s been opting out of Friday night dinners, missing father and son bonding time because he’s going to miss me. You’re both ridiculous and…” Kurt screws his eyes closed but there’s a deep crease at his brow that sends a flare of pain through Blaine’s chest. When Kurt glances back up, there is a thin line of moisture balanced at the base of his eyelashes. It takes every ounce of willpower for Blaine not to clutch at Kurt’s shoulders, pulling him in tight but he doesn’t because Kurt’s voice breaks the thick silence. “I love you both so much but neither of you have stopped to think for a second how hard this is going to be for me too. I’m excited about NYADA and New York, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m thrilled to be leaving everything that I hold dear back in Ohio. That’s just not how it works, Blaine.”
In seconds, the tears tip their balance and one stray tracks its way down Kurt’s cheek slowly until Blaine’s crying too, throat tight and lips trembling. He holds it hard in his chest and swallows, voice quivering as he says, “I see that now but I couldn’t be expected to before when all I heard was how wonderful it was all going to be and how you can’t wait a second longer to get there because, funnily enough, knowing your boyfriend is counting down the days until he’s hundreds of miles away from you isn’t the nicest feeling in the world.”
Kurt wipes at his eyes, exhaling slowly. “I guess I just didn’t think that either of you would worry about that. I mean, to me it’s a given that I take you both with me everywhere I go. I didn’t think I needed to verbalise that because I just thought you knew we’d be fine.”
“Kurt,” Blaine sighs out. It’s half in exasperation and half out of sheer adoration. There’s no holding back the edges of a smile though because for all Kurt is wonderfully perceptive, he can also be terribly blind to some of the more important things. “You see it all the time, couples broken apart, miserable and hating each other because they tried the long distance thing and it failed. I don’t want to end up resenting this. It’s not our style. What we have is… it’s different to other kids our age. We’re different. But just because we’re solid and usually great at communicating our feelings doesn’t mean we’re invincible and this past month has proved that. We’re going to make mistakes and both of us have. You might go to New York and find someone else who makes you feel the way I hope I do –“
“No, Kurt. You might. You seemed to like this Chandler’s company even over text. What if you go there and meet a guy down the hall who is handsome and tall and who knows all these amazing restaurants and where to actually buy peach colored shoe polish and I’m some afterthought back in this place?”
Kurt’s barriers raise instantly as he pouts, cheekbones high and sharp from the defiance set on his jaw. “Well it’s nice to know you have so much faith in my commitment to our relationship.”
Looking down, Blaine schools his expression because it’s all so damn hard. Kurt’s rigid in front of him but maybe it’s a good thing. They haven’t talked at all about the enormity of the coming months and it’s about time everything was out in the open. Like ripping a band aid, it’s always going to be tough but they know now the product of any halt in communication. They work so perfectly with honesty – it’s the way it has always been.
“I’m not saying that you’d actually cheat on me, Kurt. What I’m saying is that things will change and neither of us can stop that, just like your Dad can’t either. We’re both going to change and maybe we’ll realise that we’re different people and want different things.” Even the thought of the words cut through him, piercing his heart at the mere thought of Kurt not being an enormous part of his life: Kurt not being there to help him decide which sweaters to wear with his new bow tie, Kurt not being there to school him in the kitchen, Kurt’s hands not being available to hold, Kurt’s side of the bed being empty on movie nights…
“I’ll always want you.”
Kurt is perfectly still when Blaine looks up at him, straight into the vibrant blue of his eyes and into the truth there – the surety.
“I’ll never want anyone else,” Blaine counters a little breathlessly.
“See,” Kurt says around a smile, his palm coming to rest over Blaine’s knuckles like a last piece of a jigsaw. “We can talk around it in circles but it always comes back to the same thing.”
Blaine nods, eyes filling up of their own accord and it’s a wonder there are any tears left after the week they’ve had but the glittery wetness mirrored in Kurt’s is enough to prove otherwise. “We just need to be honest and keep talking.”
With a slow nod in agreement, Kurt’s lips smooth into a soft smile. “I really hope that in years to come we’ll look back at this and laugh at how stupid we both were.”
“We will,” Blaine says on a sigh, unable to look away. It’s a moment of pure clarity after days of feeling as if he was on the edge of a crumbling cliff without a life line. Kurt waits no time to close the distance between them, arms entwining around Blaine’s neck. There are a few seconds of shuffling to get closer until Blaine isn’t sure where he ends and Kurt begins, the warmth surrounding him in a welcome haze of comfort just as Kurt’s lips move against his neck into what Blaine hopes is a smile.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you about you putting bronzer in my moisturiser. I know you only have my best interests at heart even if I did spend a day with my hands in my pockets last week.”
Kurt’s breath laugh is hot and a little wet against the exposed skin where he has comfortably tucked his head but it’s wonderful, so close and snugly in Kurt’s arms that Blaine buries his face in the silvery lapel of Kurt’s jacket and closes his eyes tight.
“It’s ok. I may have gone a little overboard. There was a sale at Sephora and –“
“I think I really need to kiss you right now. Is that ok?”
Kurt nods, unfurls them both just enough to reach Blaine’s lips and presses close.
… and now I’ve managed to get THAT out, I’m off to work on finishing the other stories I have neglected recently. I hope you all had pillows to cuddle during last night’s episode <3 Thank you for reading!